One of the things that bothers me most about my history with musical theater is that I can’t remember the exact dates I saw certain productions.

That and the fact that I can’t remember who was in certain productions. Yes, I do have souvenir programs hidden somewhere in my closet, buried beneath clothes and books. Some of them might aid in my pursuit of telling a complete story, of painting the perfect picture. You’re asking a lot. I can’t even be 100% certain that I kept the souvenir program for the musical I’m about to talk about. For those of you who love musicals nowadays and frequently visit the theater, do they still sell souvenir programs? Or is that something that was left behind in the 1990s, along with my tie-dye t-shirts and Tamagotchi?

I just got super interested in whether I have this souvenir program.

Give me ten minutes.

**10 minutes later**

The answer is no, I no longer have that souvenir program. You’ll just have to believe me. I was there.

Give me 10 minutes to research.

**10 minutes later**

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Sunset Boulevard!

The second national tour happened from 1998 to 2000. If I had to guess, I saw this maybe in 1999 with my friends M and C.

And the star? Petula Clark!

Believe it or not, I actually did remember it was Petula Clark playing Norma Desmond. I mean, come on! It’s Petula Freakin’ Clark! You don’t forget shit like that.

So you might be asking yourself why, then, this was the worst musical experience of my life. I have been to many musicals. Some of them I just didn’t like. Hot take, I still don’t like West Side Story. This may stem from the fact that I also don’t like Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet. Sue me. I’m more of a Titus Andronicus girlie. There are some that were just average. I’ve seen three touring productions of Webber’s Evita. All average. Which is super sad for me because, in my opinion, that has one of his strongest scores. So why, then, was Sunset Boulevard at the bottom of the barrel?

Let me paint a picture. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 1999. What was, then, the Benedum Center (and after a quick search, it is still called the Benedum Center). Two good friends, M and C, are joining me for an evening production of Sunset Boulevard. Uncertain if it was a Friday or Saturday night.

And young Siemelle was fucking sick.

Full-blown coughing, gagging, mucus, sniffling, sore throat, and determined to spread the germs instead of staying home like a decent human being because young Siemelle was kind of an asshole. Siemelle is no longer like this, I promise!

It was so bad that I was choking back my cough, physically squirming in my seat, trying so hard not to cough and disturb anyone’s experience. I would wait until there was applause to hack up my lungs. Now THAT is a souvenir! What was worse, C leaned over at one point and said, “You are waiting to cough.” C looked worried. I must have looked the way I felt. Luckily, my body decided not to add in the funny projectile vomiting or explosive diarrhea.

There was a couple on my other side who had never seen Sunset Boulevard. They asked me if I had ever seen it. That was my first – and only – time seeing it. I told them I’d never seen it before, but I enjoyed the music.

They left at intermission.

Siemelle is uncertain if the in-between-songs coughing drove them away or the fact that…

…Sunset Boulevard is fucking boring, friends.

True to Andrew Lloyd Webber form, the music is phenomenal, but the production was way overdone. This was long before musicals started to veer toward the minimalistic (sets, orchestra, etc.). How they managed to transport that staircase from city to city, I don’t know. It’s impressive, though. Even so, I was so bored. Most musicals that have Andrew Lloyd Webber’s name attached, I end up not enjoying the live experience. I love the music though! I could happily sit and listen to Evita and Sunset Boulevard, but I don’t really want to go and sit through either one.

But, Siemelle, you saw Evita three times.

Oh, look, a squirrel wearing a Pennywise costume! Would you look at that!

I had my reasons.

As it turns out, the most entertaining part of that evening was me trying to wait until there was applause so I could cough.

Now, that’s talent!

Siemelle